Review Profile Please

[James Blakemore]

@negeen-dargahi, @halle-eavelyn, @kent-littlejohn

Hallie, Kent, Negeen,

I re-edited my profile after the call last week to conform to your suggestions, please give it a glance and see if I made any GLARING errors.

Thanks,

James

 

 

[n d]

Hey @james-blakemore – here are my personal comments on your profile! I’m sure @halle-eavelyn will tie everything together for you with her feedback 🙂

First and foremost, you NEED a banner image. This should be the first thing you do upon receiving this comment. Please email our graphic designer, Lindsey, and tell her your field of business and what images you would like her to add in your banner. She has access to stock images so that is something to also consider.

Lindsey@coredm.com (you must email her as she’s not on this platform).

Your headline is on the right page but it’s very loud with all caps. I revised it below:

Do You Need More CASH And Family Time WITHOUT Working More Or A 2nd Job?☆EXPERT Coach For Success and Happiness☆☞MSG Me!

Summary:

James, you HAVE the content but remember that this is a sales letter – adding bullet points does not lead your potential clients into working with you. I’d love for you to copy Kent’s profile outline and just ADD your own content to it. I believe this will really help you nail down the outline we are wanting you to have.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/klittlejohn/

Call to action: 

This is interesting to note. What you’ve written as your call to action is putting the power in THEIR hands and not yours:

Call or message me!! Let’s see if you are a good fit for my program. We can put you on the road to independence and happiness.

INSTEAD – say this:

If you’re READY to finally spend more time with your family and have financial FREEDOM… message me right now on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit!

*** you can change the bolded words above to a better pain point if you so choose***

 

Hope this helps! Good work, James.

[James Blakemore]

@negeen-dargahi

Negeen,

My revisions are posted in LinkedIn. Here is how I wrote them, but the formatting doesn’t seem to translate.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jblakemore/

REVISIONS AN (After Negeen) 5/14/2020

OLD:

NEED More $$$ & Family Time WITHOUT 2nd Job or More Hours @ Work? ☆ EXPERT COACH for SUCCESS and HAPPINESS ☆☞MSG Me!

NEW:

Do You Need More CASH And Family Time WITHOUT Working More Or A 2nd Job?☆EXPERT Coach For Success and Happiness☆☞MSG Me!

WHAT I DO IN 15 WORDS OR LESS:

“I help you easily move from employee to successful, self-employed, work-from-home entrepreneur.”

Bottom line….

I help walk you through the minefield of starting and successfully operating a business from home that could provide you that little extra to make your life nicer or could even be your safety net when the next economic disaster befalls us.

WHO DO I WORK WITH? I work with the workers, the inspired entrepreneur, the “go all out, driven to succeed, will not be denied” business builder who understands that TRUE SUCCESS come from “the last mile” and the “one more call” attitude inspired by a belief in one’s self that they are on the right track, and that track leads to their ultimate success.

Are you tired of building someone else’s dream?

Are you tired of fighting the “slog” of the daily 9 to 5?

Are your kids growing up, while you are spending all your time at work just to pay bills?

Do you have “too much month” at the end of the money?

Are you living a life of “quiet desperation?”

DO YOU REALLY AND TRULY WANT MORE, AND ARE WILLING TO GO ALL OUT TO GET IT?

OK, I’m not going to wave a magic wand and solve all your problems, nor tell you that your walkaway income will magically appear next week, but I can assure you that if you walk with me, I’ll run with you, and we will cross that finish line together.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>          Yes, you can have more control over your time and money.</p>
          Yes, you can have a new, nicer, better car?

Yes, you can have a new and bigger house, with a big back yard and maybe a pool?

Yes, you can have a beautiful, new thoroughly modern kitchen & family room?

Yes, you can have more and better for you and your family?

Yes, you can take the afternoon off to go to your boy’s game? GO!

Your little girl’s recital is at 3:30? YES, you can be in the front row!

We are here to help you to achieve a bigger income, a better lifestyle, and live your dreams of a lifetime.

Does it take WORK? YES!!

Easy? NO, Simple? YES!

Does it take time, energy, massive effort and WORK? YES

It takes all of that and MORE, but is it worth it?? ABSOLUTELT!!

Have I done this? YES!

With twenty five years in this business, I know where the booby traps are, AND I know where the treasure lies.

 

If you’re READY to finally spend more time with your family and have financial FREEDOM… message me right now on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit!

 

 

[n d]

Hey @james-blakemore! Great job taking my directions, you executed perfectly! ALTHOUGH – there are some grammar and typos that I have revised below. Once you make those changes, please add it to your LinkedIn profile and move forward 🙂

Revised:

“I help you easily move from being an employee to a successful, self-employed, work-from-home, entrepreneur.”

—

I provide you with one of a kind tools for starting and successfully operating your business from the comfort of your home! You’ll have peace of mind knowing you have ADDED income and a full proof safety net for the next economic downfall.

—

James, the WHO I WORK WITH is a run-on sentence. Please shorten and specify.

You are asking a lot of questions in your sales letter. Please keep it to 3 questions and tell them how you can specifically help guide them. You also have a typo with “ABSOLUTELY”.

Good call to action!

[James Blakemore]

@negeen-dargahi

Negeen,

I think I got it done. Here you go.

CORRECTED:

“I help you easily move from being an employee to a successful, self-employed, work-from-home, entrepreneur.”

—

CHANGED FROM:

I help walk you through the minefield of starting and successfully operating a business from home that could provide you that little extra to make your life nicer or could even be your safety net when the next economic disaster befalls us.

TO:

I provide you with one of a kind tools for starting and successfully operating your business from the comfort of your home! You’ll have peace of mind knowing you have ADDED income and a foolproof safety net for the next economic downturn.

Changed from full proof to foolproof, and from …economic downfall to downturn

I put this in as you wrote it, but I’m concerned about the term “one of a kind tools,” I understand the psychology, but what I do is not unique “one of a kind”, rather “proven and effective” may be more accurate. Thoughts?

—

James, the WHO I WORK WITH is a run-on sentence. Please shorten and specify.

REPLACED WITH:

WHO DO I WORK WITH? I work with the workers, the inspired entrepreneur, the “go all out, driven to succeed, will not be denied” business builder. That rare individual who understands that TRUE SUCCESS comes from “the last mile” and the “one more call” attitude inspired by a belief in one’s self that they are on the right track, and that track leads to their ultimate success.

–

You are asking a lot of questions in your sales letter. Please keep it to 3 questions and tell them how you can specifically help guide them. You also have a typo with “ABSOLUTELY”.

REMOVED:

Are you tired of fighting the “slog” of the daily 9 to 5?

Are you living a life of “quiet desperation?”

Are you tired of building someone else’s dream?

Does it take WORK? YES!!

Easy? NO, Simple? YES!

I’m concerned that taking more questions out completely changes my message. If you want me to remove all but three questions, I need some guidance on how to completely re-write this.

–

Good call to action!

 

 

 

[James Blakemore]

@negeen-dargahi

Negeen,

Just FYI, I emailed Lindsey on the 14th, but never heard from her.

I emailed her again today.

James

 

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