Review my Hero Story

[Mario Kruja]

Please review my Story. @halle-eavelyn, @negeen-dargahi

[Mario Kruja]

Review My Story @halle-eavelyn, @negeen-dargahi

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[Halle Eavelyn]

Thanks for your patience, @mario-kruja and keep taking ACTION in the program! GET FEEDBACK from peers if you have not already done so.

Blue skies!
Halle

[Halle Eavelyn]

Hey, @mario-kruja, great job taking Massive Imperfect Action in the program!!

Now… GET BACK IN THERE!!!  Did you do voice to text?? And then NOT check it before posting?? Because WOW are there some wacky typos!!  For example:
<p class=”p1″>By the second courter of the 3rd year I had sold more Homes than the whole previews year ……</p>
So I KNOW you want it to say, by the second quarter of the third year I had sold more homes than the whole previous year… (CONGRATS, BTW) but that’s a LOTTA typos.

Your story has heart, which is VERY hard to teach!!

But the title isn’t really good – it’s a bit misleading and it doesn’t really tell me what’s in it for ME, your reader.  And the typos are SO prevalent it makes it almost impossible to read.

READ IT.  FIX IT.  Then get it EDITED by a PROFESSIONAL.  We recommend hiring a native English speaker from fiverr.com

Also, please make sure you read the Hero Story OVERVIEW (pinned post at the top of this Hero Story forum) if you have not already.  Because… this is NOT a full autobiography.  Pull out whatever doesn’t fit with your themes (your kids are a motivating factor, I get that.  But tell me the story about something they did – don’t weave the update on them throughout because this story is about YOU.  Same with all the other family pieces.

THEN if you submit it again, I will be happy to read it again and give you more comments.

For now, it’s a great first draft!

[Mario Kruja]

My Journey .Please let me know what you think. This is after someone edited for me. Thanks

@halle-eavelyn

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[n d]

Tagging you in this, @halle-eavelyn 🙂

[Halle Eavelyn]

@mario-kruja – this is MUCH better and flows well!!  Now go back to your editor and tell him to take out ALL the places where he capitalized every line randomly, and every line where he skipped a space when there was still the same sentence. AND every place he capitalized the letters unless you ESPECIALLY want to emphasize!   This isn’t a poem so it makes it hard to read.  Don’t give them any reason to stop reading!! Also, please note there a few grammatical errors or typos still.  You may want someone else to do your next review draft instead.  So you have a few sets of eyes on it.

Here is an example (before and after):

BEFORE
Real Estate? The Light Bulb went OFF!!

There is a joke in Arizona. When the Cops pull you over they ask for your Real

Estate License. There are a lot of Realtors and to become successful is really tough.

It would have been easy to Lay Down. Surrender. Not What Happened!

AFTER:
Real Estate? The Light Bulb went OFF!!!

There is a joke in Arizona. When the cops pull you over they ask for your real estate license! There are a lot of Realtors and to become successful is really tough.

It would have been easy to lie down. Surrender. Not What Happened!

But I LOVE your revision!!!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Halle Eavelyn.

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