Request for Infomercial script review

[Kammy Thurman]

H’yar ya be… Thanks for your feedback! 😉

Are you a purpose driven entrepreneur or business owner? Are you looking to grow your business in a way that
reflects your values, while consistently increasing your income?

People love doing business with companies like yours because they love feeling part of something bigger than a
purchase. They love the idea of being connected to a business that is making a difference in the world.

As a copywriter and marketing funnel strategist, my purpose is to create that kind of connection with your
audience. I do this by reaching them on a deeper emotional level — without hype or marketing gimmicks.

Then I use automated systems to put an invisible arm around their shoulders and walk them through the buying process in a personal way that builds trust in your products or services.

If this is how you’d like your marketing to relate to your audience, just drop me a message on my LinkedIn or Facebook
profile, or email kammy@kammythurman.com, and let’s see if we’re a good fit to work together.

Thanks for joining me here, and I look forward to your message.

[Halle Eavelyn]

Great start, @kammy-thurman!!

I feel like your first question is superfluous, because you then talk ALL THE WAY THROUGH about them being purpose-driven.  Which is not a very emotionally evocative phrase – the rest of the material is way stronger.  So I’d lose that question entirely.

This is ALSO superfluous, because it’s also implied.  And it’s just making your piece longer, so lose this, too: If this is how you’d like your marketing to relate to your audience,

Next, I want you to rewrite this:

As a copywriter and marketing funnel strategist, my purpose is to create that kind of connection with your
audience. I do this by reaching them on a deeper emotional level — without hype or marketing gimmicks.

Then I use automated systems to put an invisible arm around their shoulders and walk them through the buying process in a personal way that builds trust in your products or services.

Make this section ALL about THEM – and make sure you watch my BENEFITS MARKETING and BENEFITS MARKETING II videos in the Transformational Business Strategy module (bottom middle module on your MAIN DASHBOARD – turquoise with a bulls eye) video index is to the right of the video window, in alphabetical order.  THEN rewrite and you’ll understand exactly why it’s important.

Last, I think you want to change your CTA slightly, from: and let’s see if we’re a good fit to work together. to:

to see if we’re a good fit to work together.

From a positioning perspective, it’s just stronger.  You’re the QUEEN, baby!!! The queen tells people, she doesn’t cozy up to them hoping… right?

Overall, I LOVE the direction and how evocative this is – just make sure they feel like THEY put their arms around the customer’s shoulders, not you (yeah, we know it’s really you!!)

@negeen-dargahi @amanda-hendrickson

[Kammy Thurman]

Excellent feedback, Halle. Thanks!

 

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