Request for Infomercial Review

[Mac N’Daw]

Hi,

I submitted my draft about 2 weeks ago but did not receive an answer. I checked last night and did not see a trace of my submission!!! So, I am re-submitting again.

Thanks for your review.

Mac

@mac-ndaw

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[n d]

Hi @mac-ndaw!! Sorry to hear – below is my feedback:

Your infomercial is quite long and isn’t getting to the point. Remember, this is a short and sweet video on who you can help and how. Kind of like you LI profile.

I like that you started your infomercial off with questions but they are kind of vague. I want you to ask 3 POWERFUL and specific pain point questions for your perfect client, so when they read this they say “yes. I am dealing with this”

Questions like:

“Have you been working your butt off for MORE clients in order to increase your profit?”

“Are you tired of _______”

 

Same as your LI, how about you start off asking up to 3 POWERFUL pain point questions…

(after you ask 3 questions)

If this sounds like you… I know EXACTLY how to help.

Hi, I’m _______ and I am a ____________ helping clients with _________.

(3-5 sentences saying HOW exactly you plan to help — don’t add it too many “i” and replace them with “you” — be clear and spot on)

(motivating 1 liner)

If you want _______________ then message or call me TODAY at _________ to see if we’re a good fit.

[Mac N’Daw]

@negeen-dargahi

Hello Negeen,

Thanks for your review.

I thought I had followed the sample to the “T”. Nevertheless, I will heed your advice and follow your suggestions.

Thanks again.

Mac

[Mac N’Daw]

@negeen-dargahi

Hello Negeen,

Mac here again.

You mentioned that my text was too long (289 words 1730 characters). Before, I embark on another draft, can you tell me what would be an appropriate text length.

Thanks.

Mac

[n d]

Hi @mac-ndaw, no problem! Here is an example of an infomercial someone from the program wrote out and hope this helps!

Are you wanting to sell…purchase or even RENT property WITHOUT having to deal with added STRESS? Do you want QUALIFIED offers looking at your property? Are you wanting to work with EXPERIENCED companies that know EXACTLY what they are doing?

If this sounds like you… I know EXACTLY how to help. Hi, I’m Anthony Catanzaro and I am a licensed real estate broker and Owner of Palisades Real Estate in Fort Lee, NJ.

Stop wasting valuable time and allow ME to take over the busy work. When you work with me…I’ll walk you through EACH and EVERY step of preparing important contracts, researching market analysis, handling property management, and MUCH MUCH more!

(1-2 motivating line)

If you’re ready for ________ then give me a call at ____ or shoot me a message TODAY to see if we’d be a good fit!

 

[Mac N’Daw]

@negeen-dargahi

Thanks Negeen for the quick turnaround.

With My Best

Mac

[Mac N’Daw]

@negeen-dargahi

Hello Negeen,

Please, see the revised draft as per your suggestions.

Thanks for your review and have a fantastic week-end.

With My Best,

Mac

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[n d]

Hi @mac-ndaw! SO much better. Below I’ve revised some sentences in order for it to flow better:

Are you sick and tired of continuously chasing clients?

Are you frustrated by having to always reduce your fees just to get ONE deal?

Have you been working your butt off, yet are still waking up in the middle of the night wondering how you’ll provide for your family?

If this sounds like you… I know exactly how to help.

Hi, I’m Mac N’Daw, aka The Consultant’s Consultant, and I am a Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA) helping management consultants “Consult Once and Get Paid Twice”.

When you work with me, you’ll learn EXACTLY how to never again trade your time for money. Yep. You heard that right. Work less, get paid MORE so you can start LIVING again.

My expert advice will also show you how to write winning feasibility studies and funding requests based on the common criteria of the financial institutions that I have designated and analyzed for you.

This expert advice will make you earn your second fee.

This blueprint cannot be found online or offline. Only lucky graduates from Ivy League schools or other top-notch universities have been exposed to it.

But guess what?!
Now, the secret is out! I have systemized it. Grab it before your competitors do!

If you want to have a steady flow of clients AND at higher fees AND WITHOUT stress, then message me here on LinkedIn or call me TODAY at 301 4761290 to see if we are a good fit.

—

I know I made some changes, which you can change but I love your call to action!! Great job!

 

[Mac N’Daw]

@negeen-dargahi

Hi Negeen,

Many Thanks for your edits. The flow is excellent and I won’t make any changes.

Your assistance is greatly appreciated.

With My Best,

Mac

[Halle Eavelyn]

@mac-ndaw, why are you telling them this:

My expert advice will also show you how to write winning feasibility studies and funding requests based on the common criteria of the financial institutions that I have designated and analyzed for you.

This expert advice will make you earn your second fee.

in this infomercial.  It seems to much the HOW and it’s too low-level for this format.  You can get into this in your webinar, but I would for sure take it out of this particular piece.

REVISED SECTION:

When you work with me, you’ll learn EXACTLY how to never again trade your time for money. Yep. You heard that right. Work less, get paid MORE so you can start LIVING again. And, I’ll show you how to earn a second fee from the same clients!

My expert blueprint cannot be found online or offline. Only lucky graduates from Ivy League schools or other top-notch universities have been exposed to it.

 

Make sense?

cc. @negeen-dargahi @amanda-hendrickson

[Mac N’Daw]

@halle-eavelyn, @negeen-dargahi, @amanda-hendrickson

 

Hello Halle,

Thank you for edits and suggestions.

They do make sense and will revise the infomercial accordingly.

With My Best,

Mac

[Author]

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