5 years, 11 months ago-
Posts
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Please review this revised profile.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/robert-jenkins-8760b81a/
Thanks,
Robert
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@Hi, @robert-jenkins
Nice job with those revisions. Looks like you still need more information though. You give very little info on what you do or how you’re different from your competitors. I know Negeen mentioned this already, but I’m going to reiterate that you need to re-word your sentences to take out “I” as much as possible.
Let’s start with your first sentence “I work with anyone looking for Island Luxury Living!”
First of all, this should not be the first thing you say. Can you think of 3 pain point questions to ask your audience that will capture their attention? For example:
“Are you tired of being caught up in the rat race?
Do you need a place of your own to relax, and clear your head?
Would you enjoy watching the sunset on the ocean every night?”
And then tell them what you do.
“I will help you find your dream island home without all the stress so that you can start relaxing right away!”
And then you say who you work with. BUT DO NOT SAY YOU WORK WITH ANYONE!
If you’re helping someone find a luxury island home that person is NOT just anyone. Who is in your niche? Are they business professionals? Retirees? Investors? That is who you want to target!
So you could say:
“WHO DO I WORK WITH? Investors, retirees, business professionals, empty nesters, and home buyers. ”
You want to sound exclusive but still, include everyone in your niche. Nobody with the kind of money it takes to buy an island home wants to work with someone who will work with anyone. You are targeting HIGH END CLIENTS (hence why you’re in this program)!
And on that note, these prospective clients do NOT care what your hobbies are or where you volunteer. However, they do care that you are an expert negotiator! So let’s take out the hobbies and volunteering parts and include more of your skills that are beneficial to THEM. Did you watch Halle’s benefits marketing videos yet?
After you tell them about how you can help them, then you can include some brief testimonials!
Lastly, your Call To Action needs some work. Use this instead:
“If you’re ready for luxury island living then message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit to work together!”
TAG ME IN YOUR REVISION!
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