Please Review My Revised Infomercial

[Bruce Graham]

Did the last recession wipe out your RETIREMENT savings, and now you’re struggling  to sock away as much money as you can for your fast-approaching Retirement? But do you find yourself  CHOOSING between putting the money in your retirement account OR in your kids’ College funds? Would it be OKAY with you to accomplish both?
<p style=”background: white;”>If you answered ‘YES’ to those questions, you came to the right place!</p>
<p style=”background: white;”>Hi, I’m Bruce Graham , a Real Estate Investor who loves helping people employ simple strategies to stop the BLEEDING and Generate double-digit returns. </p>
<p style=”background: white;”>For over 30 years I have been a Private Detective uncovering the often hidden </p>
<p style=”background: white;”>FACTS my clients need to protect themselves, their families, and in many </p>
<p style=”background: white;”>cases, their wealth. Prior to that, I was a Series 7 Financial Adviser with EF Hutton. Perhaps you remember, “When EF Hutton talks, people listen.” </p>
<p style=”background: white;”></p>
<p style=”background: white;”>Now I have found simple and LEGAL FINANCIAL strategies that bring PROSPERITY to anyone who employs them. </p>
<p style=”background: white;”>Would it be okay for you to pay off your 30-year mortgage in 7 years, </p>
<p style=”background: white;”>without spending one penny more AND invest the difference for your family’s wellbeing, and NOT the BANK’S!</p>
<p style=”background: white;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white;”>So If you want to learn how to stop wasting tens of thousands of dollars in front-loaded mortgage payments, AND if you want to generate reliable double-digit returns together with maximum tax savings then message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit. </p>
 
<p style=”background: white;”> </p>

[Bruce Graham]

Did the last recession wipe out your RETIREMENT savings, and now you’re struggling to sock

away as much money as you can for your fast-approaching Retirement? But do you find

yourself CHOOSING between putting the money in your retirement account OR in

your kids’ College funds? Would it be OKAY with you IF YOU COULD accomplish

both those objectives at the same time?

If you answered ‘YES’ to those questions, you came to the right place!

 

Hi, I’m Bruce Graham , a Real Estate Investor who loves helping people employ simple

strategies to stop the FINANCIAL BLEEDING and Generate double-digit returns .

For over 30 years I have been a Private Detective, uncovering hidden  FACTS my clients need

protect themselves, their families, and in many cases, their wealth. Prior to that I was a Series 7

Financial Adviser with EF Hutton. Perhaps you remember, “When EF Hutton talks, people

listen.”

Now I have found simple, Legal, FINANCIAL strategies that bring PROSPERITY to those

who employ them. Would it be okay for you if you pay off your 30 year mortgage in 7 years,

without spending one penny more AND invest the difference for your family’s wellbeing, and

NOT the BANK’S!

 

So If you want to learn how to stop wasting tens or thousands of dollars in front-loaded

payments, AND if you want generate reliable double-digit returns together with maximum tax

savings then message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit.

 

[n d]

Hi @bruce-graham! Nice job revising your infomercial! Few things:

For your first question:

Did the last recession wipe out your RETIREMENT savings, and now you’re struggling to sock away as much money as you can for your fast-approaching Retirement?

Too long. Shorten it up. Like this:

Did the last recession wipe out your RETIREMENT savings, and now you’re struggling to save enough money for your upcoming retirement?

I cleaned up the last 2 questions of your pain point questions to this:

“Do you find yourself CHOOSING between putting the money in your retirement account OR in your kids’ College funds?

Do you find yourself wishing you had enough money to put in BOTH funds??”

I fixed this sentence:
For over 30 years I have been a Private Detective, uncovering hidden  FACTS my clients need in order to protect themselves, their families, and in many cases, their WEALTH.

Take out the following sentences because I want to sole focus on THEM and why they should work with you, you can have your back story mentioned a different time:

Also, some of the sentences below just didn’t make sense to add in this moment.

“Prior to that I was a Series 7 Financial Adviser with EF Hutton. Perhaps you remember, “When EF Hutton talks, people listen.”

Now I have found simple, Legal, FINANCIAL strategies that bring PROSPERITY to those

who employ them. Would it be okay for you if you pay off your 30 year mortgage in 7 years,

without spending one penny more AND invest the difference for your family’s wellbeing, and

NOT the BANK’S!

Here’s what TO add:

After your mention you were a detective, you can say:

“When you work with me, I make sure you get [maybe list 1-3 things you provide, like a full serviced staff to assist them with any issues, etc].

And your call to action looks GREAT!!!!

SUPER job!

[Author]

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