Please Review My Hero Story

[Alberto Siapno]

Hi @halle-eavelyn & @negeen-dargahi,

Please review my hero story.  I look forward to your feed back and really appreciate your patience.

 

Thank you.

 

Attachments:

You must be logged in to access attached files.

[n d]

Hi @alberto-siapno! Great work taking action on your Hero Story!

Please email it to Halle as an attachment and she will get to it within the week.

Halle@coredm.com

In the meantime, keep going through program 🙂

Thank you!

 

[Alberto Siapno]

Hi @negeen-dargahi!  Appreciate your prompt response.  I just emailed it to Halle and will keep going.  Thank you!

[n d]

Sounds great, @alberto-siapno! Keep it up 🙂

[Halle Eavelyn]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi, @alberto-siapno – Great job taking Massive Imperfect Action!!</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I thought overall this really works!  However, it lost some steam about 2/3 the way through and didn’t really recover.  I think the blow-by-blow of the one family’s story is too long and detailed.  You also are just telling us the story – I feel like you need to craft the message – the point you are getting across – more so the audience understands.   For example:
THIS:
Their market search started at around $650,000.00 but we soon found out that the type of homes they wanted were in $750,000.00.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>So, we sat down and figured out how we could make this happen.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>After a lot of discussion and a few beers, we found out that it could be done.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>We verified the idea with the loan officer, and it worked out.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
You’re not telling me how they felt – you’re not giving me the facts – you have just given me 3 sentences that say nothing material (ie. what you did).

TRY:

Their market search started at around $650,000.00, but the type of home they wanted was really $750,000.00.

When I realized this was truly important to them, I knew I had to figure out a way to make this happen.

I thought X and Y about how we could structure the deal –  it just might work.  They were excited, but so nervous.  What would the loan officer say?

He said YES!  And my clients were thrilled.

etc.

 

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Talk about their feelings like this throughout the story, then you don’t need to TELL me at the end like it’s a surprise.  Also, when you do that – engage FEELINGS – it makes it more interesting for the reader and keeps them entertained.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Also, do you really need more parts to your story? It feels like this is just plenty to give them an idea of how great you are!  Let’s get a good call to action (and a TITLE) and get it done!!</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>PS.  There are both grammar and spelling errors – can you PLEASE review with someone professional (like on Fiverr.com if you don’t know someone?)</p>

[Alberto Siapno]

Thanks @halle-eavelyn!  I will get right on it.

[Alberto Siapno]

Hi @halle-eavelyn,  I finally got this to where I think it might work.  Took a little while.  Could you please take a look and let me know what you think?  Really appreciate your time & patience.  Thank you.

Attachments:

You must be logged in to access attached files.

[n d]

Hi @alberto-siapno, nice job revising!!

Halle only reviews Hero Stories once, but if you need assistance with grammar or any other aspect, try Fiverr.com

GREAT work 🙂

 

 

[Author]

Posts