Infomercial Script for review

[Stephen DeVoe]

@negeen-dargahi

@halle-eavelyn

Hi Negeen and Halle, I submitted a draft script for my infomercial on I think Wed. maybe Thursday but doesn’t matter when I looked at it the next day I knew right away it was too long.

I’m submitting a new draft shorter and I really tried to follow the format you spoke about.

Pain

Intro/ super power

some empathy and then a call to action.

Please have a look at this draft and let me know what you think.

Thanks

Steve

Hi I’m Steve DeVoe and I want to thank you for taking a moment of your valuable time to view this video and congratulate you on taking action!

Are you leasing space? 90% of business owners and operators who do, have their lease is in a file somewhere… when’s the last time you looked at yours? Did you ever confirm size accuracy…track critical dates, monitor additional rent, or even account for clauses that could cost you thousands of unexpected expenses? How about even a little proactive planning?

If this is you, than you’re far from alone and I know exactly how to help! I have touched literally thousands of lease transaction in my 35 years in the real estate business and have developed a program just for you!

It’s called the Virtual VP Real Estate! Stop allowing that critical part of your business go unattended!! Let me take that lease and all the responsibilities that go with it and put it right in my hands. As your trusted real estate VP I’ll be with you every step dealing with technical issues, lease details, monitoring, market conditions, planning and design. I’ll even interface with the landlord on your behalf.

Nobody knows your, business better than you but many spend 10, 20 30% even more on occupancy costs, does that sound like you? Sure it does! Then why the heck is that lease, which is a huge part of your operating budget, sitting in drawer getting no attention?

As fellow business people we know the answer. We lay awake at night worrying about sales, payroll, production; the loudest voice gets attention… Right? And there’s your lease setting quietly in a drawer, undemanding not yelling for action, and getting exactly that, none!

I’m screaming on behalf of your lease … take action today!!!   Let’s see together how ruthlessly efficient can we make your Real Estate and how quickly it can impact your bottom-line.

Call me today at 416-666-1355 or email me at sdevoe@mcommercialrealty.com and let’s take the first step together!

 

[Halle Eavelyn]

And… it’s still forever long, LOL.  Watch my video on POSITIONING.  Does King Steve thank everyone for taking a moment of their valuable time?? He does NOT.  He knows that they are lucky to spend this moment learning from the MASTER.  Make sense??
<p class=”p1″>All my videos are in the Transformational Business Strategy module (bottom middle module on your MAIN DASHBOARD – turquoise with a bulls eye) video index is to the right of the video window, in alphabetical order. </p>
This is the more lasered format for your infomercial:

PAIN POINTS (up to 3, usually phrased as questions)

INTRO – Hi, I’m NAME and I’m POSITION 1 sentence MAX

BENEFITS (3 – tell them what’s in it for them when they work with you!) 3 sentences MAX

CTA – Call them To Action and tell them what steps to take next to see if you’re a fit 1 sentence MAX.

Remember, SIZZLE, NOT STEAK.

You’ve got this!!

cc. @negeen-dargahi, @amanda-hendrickson

[Stephen DeVoe]

Hi Halle

Went back and watched the videos again and took another run at it.  Much short if nothing else. Tried to think sizzle and not steak:)

Could you have a look again please.

Thanks

Steve

Are you leasing space… your lease is in a drawer somewhere RIGHT?

When’s the last time you LOOKED at it?

THOUSANDS are lost by not confirming square footage, or monitoring additional rent and critical dates, MORE lost through lack of planning. Did YOU know many landlord clauses can cost you even MORE THOUSANDS in unexpected expenses, maybe your BUSINESS?

YOU need to pay attention to your LEASE STARTING TODAY and I know EXACTLY how to HELP!

My name is Steve DeVoe and I have touched thousands of lease transaction in my 35 years in commercial real estate, and I have developed a SUPER program that provides HUGE savings for YOU in TIME, MONEY and GRIEF!

It’s called the Virtual VP Real Estate!

GIVE ME that LEASE and all the responsibilities that go with it! YOU”LL have a trusted PARTNER to finally get you in front of the market and your landlord!

From that dark drawer your LEASE and I are YELLING … take ACTION today!!!   Let’s see together how ruthlessly efficient can we make your Real Estate and how quickly we can impact your bottom-line.

Call me today at 416-666-1355 or email me at sdevoe@mcommercialrealty.com and let’s take the first step together!

[n d]

Hi @steve-devoe, this is a unique approach and so much better!

Tagging in @halle-eavelyn for her feedback but I also will provide my own:

Your introduction, if not explain well initially, can be quite confusing. How about something a little more obvious and head on like:

—

Let me ask you… do you currently have a leased property?? (this may need to be re-worded)

When’s the last time you LOOKED at it?

Is it stuffed somewhere in a drawer??

If so…

Did YOU know many landlord clauses can cost you even MORE THOUSANDS in unexpected expenses?

THOUSANDS are lost by not confirming square footage, or monitoring additional rent and critical dates.

YOU need to pay attention to your LEASE STARTING TODAY and I know EXACTLY how to HELP!

My name is Steve DeVoe and I have touched thousands of lease transaction in my 35 years in the commercial real estate, and I have developed a SUPER program that provides HUGE savings for YOU in TIME, MONEY and GRIEF!

ETC ETC.

—

This cut out the fluff and really go to the point, let me know what you think 🙂

 

 

 

[Stephen DeVoe]

@negeen-dargahi

@halle-eavelyn

Hi Nageen

When you ask what do I think, I’m smiling. If I have learned anything in the past few weeks its what I think gets in the way. I’m now listening and doing!! 🙂

Please have another look at this infomercial script, I have tried to follow your lead on less fluff more direct. tweaked wording a bit, trimmed a few BLA BLA BLA’s

Steve

_______________________________________

Let me ask you… Does your business lease its premises?

If so… is your lease stuffed somewhere in a drawer?

When’s the last time you LOOKED at it?

Did YOU know many standard landlord clauses can cost you THOUSANDS in unexpected expenses?

THOUSANDS more are lost by not confirming square footage, or monitoring additional rent and critical dates, EVEN MORE lost through lack of planning.

YOU need to pay attention to your REAL ESTATE STARTING TODAY and I know EXACTLY how to HELP!

My name is Steve DeVoe and I have touched thousands of transaction in my 35 years in commercial real estate, and I have developed a SUPER program that provides HUGE savings for YOU in TIME, MONEY and GRIEF!

It’s called the Virtual VP Real Estate!

GIVE ME that LEASE and all the real estate responsibilities that go with it! YOU”LL have a trusted PARTNER to shoulder the load get you in front of the market and your landlord!

From that dark drawer your LEASE and I are YELLING … take ACTION today!!!   Let’s see together how ruthlessly efficient can we make your Real Estate and how quickly we can impact your bottom-line.

Call me today at 416-666-1355 or email me at sdevoe@mcommercialrealty.com and let’s take the first step together!

[n d]

Hi @steve-devoe!

Maybe instead of the premises you could say ‘building’ or ‘property’ something straightforward…

Everything looks super but the last 2 paragraphs make it a bit long. Consider taking 1 of them out or making it a total of 2-3 sentences so it doesn’t go over too long. How about this:

—

GIVE ME that LEASE and all the real estate responsibilities that go with it! From that dark drawer, your LEASE and I are YELLING … take ACTION today!!!

To see how ruthlessly efficient we make your Real Estate and how quickly we can impact your bottom-line… Call me today at 416-666-1355 or email me at sdevoe@mcommercialrealty.comand let’s take the first step together!

[Stephen DeVoe]

Hi @negeen-dargahi

Sounds good! I have trimmed and combined the last 2 paragraphs as you suggested to make it shorter.

The first sentence is a bit more challenging. Most tenants do not lease their building or their property. They lease a unit or piece within or on the building or property. Asking a tenant leasing say 1000 ft in an office building “do you lease your building or property” is a bit awkward I think.

I do get the point though. Since this is all about real estate in the end what do you think if I Just say “Does your business lease its real estate? can’t get more straight forward than that! 🙂

Thanks you all this help!

Steve

_________________________________________

Let me ask you… Does your business lease its REAL ESTATE?

If so… is your lease stuffed somewhere in a drawer?

When’s the last time you LOOKED at it?

Did YOU know many standard landlord clauses can cost you THOUSANDS in unexpected expenses?

THOUSANDS more are lost by not confirming square footage, or monitoring additional rent and critical dates, EVEN MORE lost through lack of planning.

YOU need to pay attention to your REAL ESTATE STARTING TODAY and I know EXACTLY how to HELP!

My name is Steve DeVoe and I have touched thousands of transaction in my 35 years in commercial real estate, and I have developed a SUPER program that provides HUGE savings for YOU in TIME, MONEY and GRIEF!

It’s called the Virtual VP Real Estate!

GIVE ME that LEASE and all the real estate responsibilities that go with it!

From that dark drawer your LEASE and I are YELLING … take ACTION today!!!   Let’s get you ahead of the market and your landlord!

To see how ruthlessly efficient can we make your Real Estate and how quickly we can impact your bottom-line…Call me today at 416-666-1355 or email me at sdevoe@mcommercialrealty.com and let’s take the first step together!

[n d]

Hi @steve-devoe!

How about:

Do you rent your office space?

We need to steer people to the SIMPLEST, most EMOTIONALLY RESONANT language possible.

Do you rent your office? Do you lease your office?

Those are the 3 options!

 

Everything else looks really good!!

[Stephen DeVoe]

@negeen-dargahi

Hi Nageen

Sorry for the dead air. Went for a family holiday for a week.

I appreciate the thought above but there are just as many or more industrial and retail leases that I deal with than just office space.

However, in keeping with the theme of massive imperfect action, I’m just going to pick one and go with it for now. If I can come up with something better down the rd I’ll revisit and change.

Thx

Steve

[Stephen DeVoe]

@negeen-dargahi

@halle-eavelyn

I Negen/Halle

I mentioned on a Q&A call way back at the first announcement of the summit that i would like to attend but i haven’t seen any booking info. I must have missed it could you please provide.

 

Thanks

Steve

[n d]

Hi @steve-devoe – please post in the CORRECT forum “live summit” – we are currently all booked up but please feel free to sign up to be waitlisted as we are trying to open up more spots.

app.hecp.com/summit

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