5 years, 11 months ago-
Posts
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@halle-eavelyn @negeen-dargahi
Looking forward to the feedback and to moving on. Thanks for reviewing.
Frances
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Thank you Laura. Your comments mean a lot to me. Very open to suggestions and improvements.
Have a great weekend.
Frances
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@halle-eavelyn @negeen-dargahi Hi there, Looking forward to your response and moving on. I made a few additions so if you haven’t looked yet, please review V7. Thanks and enjoy! Frances
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First of all, Fierce Frances, let me say how freaking PROUD of you I am. It may have taken 7 drafts, but THIS HERO STORY ROCKS!!!
YOU DID IT!!! And we will use your Hero Story as an example to future clients who want to WEAVE their business ethics and success RIGHT INTO their personal story!!! YES!!!
Below are some notes for your final polish draft. Once that’s done, SHARE, POST, put it into your signature, and MOVE ON TO YOUR NEXT SUCCESS!!! CONGRATS!!!
Title: yeah, but NO. You want something personal, that tunes your reader into WIFM – What’s Innit For ME? That means you need to share what’s in the experience they’re about the take – why should they care enough to spend the next 15 min with you?
Like everyone else, you need to have someone proof your doc for grammar and punctuation. I always recommend a native English speaker (with a bunch of 5 star reviews) from fiverr.com.
Specifics:
And you will see high adventure.
- what does that mean? You’re using 2nd person all of a sudden, too.
But that’s a whole other story.
- yeah, one which I would like to hear! This is probably VITAL to who you are today. So… can we add a couple paragraphs here? Especially HOW YOU FELT. One moment gives me the picture that’s worth a thousand words.
This: My career developed in the business and financial arena where I was called upon to draw on my education and creative problem-solving skills to start and turn-around businesses.
- you’ve already told us most of this already. So I’m suggesting this change: My next step was to start and turn around businesses.
In the next section, you bold a lot of stuff your business does now. But that’s not why they’re reading! They want to know about YOU!!! Bold the sentence about how you wanted to be an entrepreneur AND have the security of the paycheck. If someone’s skimming, that’s what will catch their eye and make them say, “Hey, I feel just like that! Let me take a deeper look!”
including losing our first reference deal. They were in the Twin Towers on 911.
– hold the phones: WHAT? First of all, slow down here. That must have been DEVASTATING. I think, because I don’t actually understand what it means. “Our first reference deal”
- plus explain that surely LOW career point, especially how you felt. Your story will be MUCH more powerful when you tell us how you FEEL at these junctures.
- It’s 9/11, not 911
This: I WAS FINALLY BACK TO ENVIRONMENTAL AND I WAS USING MY BUSINESS BACKGROUND as well.
Isn’t a lesson, just a fact. So don’t emphasize it. This is true throughout your story. You always want to only emphasize it if it’s important or big – like when your whole company loses its jobs.
HERE: It’s hard for people not in the industry to understand but this is how it worked.
- don’t tell me it’s hard. I’m not going to want to read it
- Don’t explain it all in so much detail. PRP, for example. Who cares? It’s about YOU, not HOW your business works. Just delete all that over-explanation.
THIS: Using scientific and financial data to determine the value of a given restoration project, a valuation process similar to that used in valuing AND TRADING carbon credits was used to create currency with which to settle the NRD Liability. The Trustee got an ecological benefit. The company paid off its debt and in the process investors made money
- where you do want to keep things, and I’m not saying this is one of them, instead of the whole above paragraph you would say something like: We figured out a way for everyone to win: the Trustee got an ecological benefit. The company paid off its debt, and in the process investors made money.
TBLS did a monte carlo valuation
- Ummm… what the heck is that and does it really matter to your reader here? If it does, you’re going to need to explain it.
At the end, you will need to leave in all the stuff about your business, which is fine. I don’t feel like you need to remove it everywhere, just de-emphasize the details, especially of your previous businesses.
Your last line should be something about how you love saving the environment every day when you go to work. Or something like that, in other words, include the altruism and the bigger picture of your business.
Finally, you need a CTA! Something like:If you enjoyed my story, or have an environmental concern that your law firm is dealing with, please reach out here on LinkedIn or send me an email FierceFrances@IfYouAreLuckyWeMightWorkWithYou.com
Again, GREAT WORK, @frances-schlosstein
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