Hero story attached

[Monica Severson]

Hi Halle, please review. Thanks

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[n d]

Hi @monica-severson! Great job taking action on your hero story and submitting it for the feedback!

Tagging in @halle-eavelyn to provide you feedback!

[Halle Eavelyn]

Great job taking Massive Imperfect Action, @monica-severson!!

I LOVED Fresh & Easy, LOL!! I was SO sad when they went out of business!!!

OK, you need to reorder your story – chronologically should do it, I think.  Right now, it’s SALES, SALES, SALES and here is why you should work with ME, followed by BIO.  But if you don’t talk about your own story first, they won’t want to wait for the rest!  BENEFITS MARKETING, remember? It’s just the way it’s written right now, it’s too salesy.  TRY reordering the whole thing without changing anything, then repost and let me review.  Right now, I suspect you want to lose the entire opening.  Right up to where you are talking about your system. And then your system will go way down towards the end, after they’ve gotten to know you.

Try following this structure:

HUGE MOMENT or POINT OF PAIN in your life.

Let me take you back…

Start at the beginning chronologically

Bring them up through where you are now. THEN tell them your system (or at least, towards the end)

Throughout, you can sprinkle (as you have done) the values that were instilled by your parents. That part works great!
Also, you need a new title.  One that doesn’t sound like your LinkedIn headline – here, that comes off as sales-y.  You want something that talks about How I Overcame X To Get Y, and How You Can, Too – for example.

Hope all this helps – I think ALL the parts are there!!! You’ll just want to reorder them to make this sing!!

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