Dashboard › Forums › High End Client Program › LinkedIn – Infomercial Reviews & Questions › Could you please review my Infomercial?
Tagged: Infomercial
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AuthorPosts
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September 21, 2018 at 3:27 pm #23439
Do you NEED to build your home with a trustable and reputable builder in the short period of time?
Do you NEED assistance and guidance with the whole process from beginning to end when building a house?
Want to build your home with quality materials by a builder who cares about people?
If you answered ‘YES’ to those questions, you came to the right place!
Hi, I’m Danny Fernandez and I am a Builder in South West Florida, helping clients to build their dream home in a short time.
I offer you my experience and knowledge to assist you in the whole building process as a choosing the right spec home for you and the most amazing finishes according to your style. In addition, I give you the highest quality craftsmanship alongside incredibly affordable prices with spacious designs and beautiful material selections.
If you want a builder that cares then message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit.
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September 21, 2018 at 11:21 pm #23475
Hi @danny-fernandez! SUPER job on your infomercial! Few little changes:
Your first question may need to be re-worded. Let’s try:
Are you WANTING your home built by a trustworthy and reputable builder in a short period of time?
Let’s also make Q2 less wordy. How about:
Do you WANT to be in the loop during your ENTIRE home building process?
Question 3:
Question 3 doesn’t really make sense …especially when you have ‘building materials’ and a builder who cares about people in the same sentence.
How about:
Do you NEED a piece of mind when it comes to the QUALITY of the materials used to build your home?
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There are some grammar mistakes in the last paragraph. For example:
I offer you my experience and knowledge to assist you in the whole building process as a choosing the right spec home for you and the most amazing finishes according to your style.
How about saying this instead:
When you work with me, you will have an EXPERT on the job to assist you through the whole building process. Have a certain vision you need to be completed in a SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME? No problem!
Good call to action!
Nice work 🙂
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September 24, 2018 at 10:13 am #23551
Thank you so much for your valuable help Negeen. It really sounds so much better!
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