Could you please review my Infomercial?

[Danny Fernandez]

Do you NEED to build your home with a trustable and reputable builder in the short period of time?

Do you NEED assistance and guidance with the whole process from beginning to end when building a house?

Want to build your home with quality materials by a builder who cares about people?

If you answered ‘YES’ to those questions, you came to the right place!

Hi, I’m Danny Fernandez and I am a Builder in South West Florida, helping clients to build their dream home in a short time.

I offer you my experience and knowledge to assist you in the whole building process as a choosing the right spec home for you and the most amazing finishes according to your style. In addition, I give you the highest quality craftsmanship alongside incredibly affordable prices with spacious designs and beautiful material selections.

If you want a builder that cares then message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit.

[n d]

Hi @danny-fernandez! SUPER job on your infomercial! Few little changes:

Your first question may need to be re-worded. Let’s try:

Are you WANTING your home built by a trustworthy and reputable builder in a short period of time?

Let’s also make Q2 less wordy. How about:

Do you WANT to be in the loop during your ENTIRE home building process?

Question 3:

Question 3 doesn’t really make sense …especially when you have ‘building materials’ and a builder who cares about people in the same sentence.

How about:

Do you NEED a piece of mind when it comes to the QUALITY of the materials used to build your home?

—

There are some grammar mistakes in the last paragraph. For example:

I offer you my experience and knowledge to assist you in the whole building process as a choosing the right spec home for you and the most amazing finishes according to your style.

How about saying this instead:

When you work with me, you will have an EXPERT on the job to assist you through the whole building process. Have a certain vision you need to be completed in a SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME? No problem!

Good call to action!

Nice work 🙂

 

[Danny Fernandez]

Thank you so much for your valuable help Negeen.  It really sounds so much better!

[Author]

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