Hey @tom-thornhill! Welcome to the program – thank you for your patience on getting a review. Below are my comments:

Your current profile photo would be better if you had a photo of you facing the camera and not from the side. Do you have a better photo that is of high quality? If you email it to our graphic designer, Lindsey, ask her to add a white background for you. Once she sends the photo back.

The blue rectangle behind your profile photo is a banner image and you need one! I’d also like you to email Lindsey, and tell her a little about your field of business and she can create something better!

Lindsey@coredm.com

Headline:

Your headline is on the right path but it needs to be better worded. Try using the template below 🙂

Want _______ WITHOUT _______? ☆EXPERT _____ Helping Clients _____☆☞MSG

About section:

Tom, I really like your content but your message is LOUD. Remove the all capital words – very difficult to read.

What I think would REALLY benefit you is actually using Kent Littlejohn’s format and just adding your content to it because you have the content, you just need to better organize it!!

https://www.linkedin.com/in/klittlejohn/

CALL TO ACTION – you need a better one:

If you’re READY for _______ message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit!

Please tag me after you make the necessary revisions!

Hi @tom-thornhill!

Your headline is still super wordy. Look back on their pain points and fill in the template below:

Want _______ WITHOUT _______? ☆EXPERT _____ Helping Clients _____☆☞MSG

It could look like:

“Save a little monthly, retire abundantly “, with the little known retirement plan used by the rich & famous. Double digit returns, no losses, zero taxes. Why not check it out ? MSG me.

Ready To RETIRE Abundantly WITHOUT ____ ☆EXPERT _____ Helping Clients Get Double Digit Returns ☆☞MSG

—

Tom, there are a few things happening right now in your profile. Lots of grammatical errors and “&” symbols and a LOT of numbers and educating. It’s good to educate but not throughout your entire profile. Remember, this is a sales letter.

Your first few sentences are the most important. I’m not loving what you have which is currently: 

Do you know about the “save a little monthly , retire abundantly ” plan , mainly used by the rich & famous , that accumulates 3X more at retirement than any other plan ? Would you want me to tell you about it ?

You think I’m exaggerating …. listen up !

Instead – you can have:

Here’s What I Do In A FEW Words:

I can help YOU “save a little monthly and retire abundantly”.

Essentially…

I use a PROVEN system that has helped the rich and famous accumulate 3x MORE at retirement than any other plan.

Ready for it? Here’s what it consists of:

Tom, you can then tell them what to expect but look how much more engaging ^ that was above. 

I’m having a very hard time reading the rest because it’s so many numbers and so many lessons you’re teaching.

Get right to the point!

WHO do you work with, WHY should they work with you, etc.

Look at Kent’s and please model your points like his: https://www.linkedin.com/in/klittlejohn/

Because right now it’s very hard to want to read. I want you to imagine someone busy reading that – so just condense, see what’s most important to you to keep and LEAD them into calling you.

Call to action:

What you currently have is “Let’s get in touch to see how the numbers work for you.”

And it needs to be more powerful.

If you’re READY for _______ message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit!

Please tag me after you make the necessary revisions!

Hi @tom-thornhill! Below are my comments:

Your headline is good – I would look back at my feedback because your headline could really be less wordy and stand out more. Your phone number belongs in your call to action at the END of your About section.

I retyped your headline:

Want To INCREASE Your Income And Retire WITHOUT Added Stress? ☆ Expert Financial Advisor Helping Clients SAVE ☆☞MSG Me!

About:

Your first few sentences are the most important. You have random spaces after your periods. Please remove them. I revised your first sentence.

What I Do In A Few Words:

I help hard-working people like YOU become financially independent years before you thought possible!

Essentially…

We use a PROVEN system that has helped the rich and famous accumulate 3X more at retirement than any other plan.

You read that right!

Here’s what it comes down to:

If you would like to retire 10 to 15 years earlier with the same exact budget as you do now… I can show you how to create an income that you won’t be able to outlive!

—

Tom, look at what I did above! I led you through the message and kept your attention. Please continue that. Look at Kent’s profile if you need examples.

Fix the punctuation throughout your sales letter and get rid of the random spaces between. Needs to be cleaned up.

Everything else looks good – please implement the feedback 🙂

Hi @tom-thornhill! Looks awesome – super proud of you!!! What a total transformation of your sales letter message. Good work!