This looks great, @david-clark!

I would also mention what you do such as:

Hi, I’m David Clark and I’m a _______ helping clients like YOU ________.

Everything else looks great! I’m not sure if I’ve provided this already or not, but below is a template of the infomercial we have some member fill out. I’m just going to post that below for you to see what I mean with introducing yourself. I DO like what you have, though!

—

Are you WANTING _________?
Do you NEED __________?

Want __________?

(after you ask 3 questions)

If you answered ‘YES’ to those questions, you came to the right place!

Hi, I’m _______ and I am a ____________ helping clients with _________.

(2-5 sentences saying HOW exactly you plan to help / how you serve your clients)

(you can add 1-2 more sentences about why they should work with you or maybe a motivating 1 liner to get them excited)

If you want _______________ then message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit.

Hi @david-clark! This looks so much better but I do want to move some things around so your message is received in the best way possible.

Look at the revisions I made below. I basically moved around a few things:

Begin with:

Let me ask you…

[ASK 3 SHORT AND SWEET PAIN POINT QUESTIONS]

[What you have is okay but not worded well. If you start off asking 3 pain point questions… you can THEN introduce yourself like….

If you answered YES to those questions… I know EXACTLY how to help.

Hi, I’m ______ helping clients like YOU _______.

[and then follow the resto my feedback above where you tell them how you can help. Avoid doing the bullet point style.]

Hope this helps!

Hi @david-clark!

MUCH better! The script sounds great and your video looks great too!

I would recommend the camera be at eye level so you’re not ‘talking down’ but this will do.

Great job taking action 🙂