@vernon-henry Great job taking action! This is an improvement from your first draft but still not quite there.

You still need a background photo. Have you emailed Lindsey about that yet?

Headline:

This is not where you put “who I work with” That belongs in your summary. For your headline, use this template:

Want _______ WITHOUT _______? ☆EXPERT _____ Helping Clients _____☆☞MSG Me!

Summary:

Get rid of “How I can help you!”

Your pain point questions are a little confusing because they’re not complete sentences.

Lets try:

“Would you like to reduce or eliminate your foreclosure inventory?”

“Do you need to get nonperforming assets off your books?”

“Do you want to your regulatory burden and oversight?

The write:

“WHAT I DO IN ____ WORDS OR LESS.”

Then briefly say what it is you do.

After that, you want to make it all about THEM! How you help THEM get what THEY want! Refer back to the profile examples Negeen gave you in your first review and watch Halle’s videos that she recommended.

Call to action:

Instead of just “call me” Use this:

If you’re ready for _______ then message me here on LinkedIn to see if we’re a good fit!

Tag me in your revision