Pretty short, @donna-bistrican-2 – so while I like it, I’d break up the material with extra WHITE SPACE in between sentences.  And… let’s use the word I less.  So this:

I understand you are too busy

becomes this:

You are too busy

Go back and make these changes throughout.

Also, questions up at the top, THEN solutions.  Is this you? Is this? Then you need X, Y, Z, and I am here to provide that for you!

Use that format.  Make sense?

Also, your profile photo – send it to lindsey@coredm.com and ask her to change it to a single color background.  It’s WAY too busy but it’s a great pic of you!  Then zoom in like 20% so we can see more of your FACE.

Hi @donna-bistrican-2! Where do you work predominately? Des Moines?

I ask because that would be good to add to your headline “Helping Clients In [LOCATION]”

Great job getting your photo re-done! Looks so much more professional!

Summary:

Please look at these examples from realtors in the program –>

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jennifer-harris-aa0487119/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/marcustexada/

Look at the spaces between their points and how they carry you through their profile. I want yours to look like theirs.

Your first 2 sentences of your summary are the MOST important. How about you list 3 questions your clients struggle with. What are their pain points? “Tired of _____” “Want _______ but CANT?” “Are you ______?”

THEN, after you list pain points, say HOW you can help them and WHAT exactly you do to help them achieve that.
2 sentences how are you different than your competitors

Who you like to work with

Then add a call to action with your contact info:

If you’re wanting _______ then give me a call TODAY at _______to see if we’re a good fit!

*******ALSO, please do not put 2 big paragraphs of testimonials. Please condense them to a sentence each like “Donna was ____________!”

Please tag me in your revision 🙂

Much better @donna-bistrican!

Please put “If you are needing a True Professional, CALL 515-954-5928 to see if we’re a good fit!”

at the END of your summary since it is the call to action.

I want there to be more information on HOW you help and serve your clients. 2-3 more sentences.

You currently have 5 testimonial sentences. Choose 3 of your favorite. You want to keep that short and sweet.

The rest looks great, please tag me in your revision 🙂

@donna-bistrican, you have some random capital words and the formatting needs work so I went ahead and reformatted. Just copy and paste this into your summary:

***

Are you BUSY with your work and don’t need the added STRESS of selling your home yourself?

Want an EXPERT to get that job done so YOU don’t have to lose sleep over selling your home?

Do you want to AVOID taking away valuable time from the things you love… like spending quality time with family and friends, to worry about selling your home?

If this sounds like you… I know EXACTLY how to help!

I understand your free time is precious that’s why I work hard to SELL YOUR HOME, so you can simply sit back, relax and enjoy the process- without the worry or headaches!

Many of my clients travel so they are not even available to take care of all the finer points of marketing and selling their home.

That is MY full-time job!

When you work with me, I make sure buyers come through your door.

No wasting time or playing silly games.

I will communicate effectively with you and everyone involved in the real estate transaction.

I will not simply stick a sign in your yard, put your Listing on the MLS and then hope some other Realtor will find a Buyer.

I will PROACTIVELY watch the local Real Estate Market to be sure I have priced your home accurately-right where it will sell fast and for the most money!

WHAT HAPPY CLIENTS HAVE SAID:

“Donna is very patient and knowledgeable, she helped me turn it into a rental property for three families and managed it for two years before selling it for 30% higher than I paid two years ago.” -Zheng Zhong, Client

“Donna Bistrican are the best. They sold my house in 4 days and got me into another place almost as quick. They fight for their clients! Great experience.” -Titus Morrow, Client

“Donna has the work ethic, intelligence, and business savvy to work with all levels of people.” – Lori Teel

If you are needing a True Professional to sell your home FAST… CALL 515-954-5928 to see if we’re a good fit!

OK, @donna-bistrican, in my Benefits Marketing video, I explain all about “What’s in it for them?” in your writing and why it’s invaluable. While @negeen-dargahi did a GREAT job for you already, I suggest you rewrite one more time, this time removing all the I’s, in favor of YOU.  This is a GREAT exercise for you because it will make you start thinking about how you can help your clients, even just as you speak to them!

Always talk about YOU in terms of them.

For example:

If this sounds like you… I know EXACTLY how to help!

THAT sentence is GOOD, because it does exactly that – if this sounds like YOU, I can help YOU.  Make sense?

Then this:

I understand your free time is precious, that’s why I work hard to SELL YOUR HOME, so you can simply sit back, relax and enjoy the process- without the worry or headaches!

is about YOU first, then them.  So this is better:

Your free time is precious, so that’s why I work hard to SELL YOUR HOME, so you can simply sit back, relax and enjoy the process- without the worry or headaches!

Take out ALL the I’s and replace them with YOU and your profile will be even more exciting to them to read (and they won’t even know why!)