6 years, 3 months ago-
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Great job taking Massive Imperfect Action, @stacey-grant! It’s a great first draft!! I would look for 3 qualities you want people to know about you, and dive down below the surface to talk about WHY those things are part of you and maybe how they came about. For example, you were BRAVE to get divorced and move to a place where you knew no one! But you glossed over all that to just tell us that you had gotten divorced and moved to that place on your own. How did it FEEL? What did you learn about yourself? How do you feel now having that under your belt? If you didn’t get to the call today, please listen to the call recording at 24 min in – Kent talked a lot about the Hero Story and each aspect of it and I think it will help to deepen yours!
Keep up the great work!
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@stacey-grant, we do NOT proof your Hero Story. That’s up to you. If you don’t have someone, use Fiverr.com and pay $5 for the review. Just make sure you have folks who are well-reviewed!!
Your headline needs help – What’s in it for your potential clients? Watch my Benefits Marketing video before you dive back in. It’s in the Transformational Business Strategy module – from your modules dashboard, scroll down to the bottom middle and click on the icon. The videos are all in alphabetical order.
And… I just skimmed through both versions and I’m pretty sure you attached the old version again – I couldn’t find any new material?? Please reattach and I’ll take a look!
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Aloha @halle-eavelyn, when you have a moment would you critique my Hero Story and headline? I am having others also do this but would like your input from a coach’s perspective.
Thank you,
Michele
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Have you seen the video for your next steps once you’ve completed your hero story??
we do not proof your Hero Story. That’s up to you. If you don’t have someone, use Fiverr.com and pay $5 for the review. Just make sure you have folks who are well-reviewed!!
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@stacey-grant, this is a LITTLE better, but you effectively changed just one paragraph, as far as adding more depth. What you added was GOOD! I just feel like we need a LOT more of it. Take a look at Kent Littlejohn’s and Anthony Simonie’s hero stories, both of which you can find in the Hero Story forums. They will help guide you for your own.
The next draft you do, watch the video for the Hero Story and start reaching out to colleagues and friends for their feedback. You’ve got this!!
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@michele-gibson, I loved it!!! GREAT JOB!!! Lose the first paragraph and start with the 2nd. I would go back through also and just be more DIRECT throughout – it feels like the draft could use a clean-up scrub that will keep people really motivated to read through the whole thing. Right now, it’s well-paced, but there’s too much medical emphasis during that part. For example, THIS:
The only next step was to use an invasive procedure to get a biopsy. The doctors recommended performing a needle biopsy. This procedure involves a radiologist inserting a very large needle into my chest a certain distance then taking a CT scan to see how close the needle is to the lymph nodes. This process of inserting the needle a little deeper and taking another CT scan was repeated several times until the radiologist seemed to become flushed in the face and quickly removed the needle. He told me the last CT scan indicated he had come within millimeters of puncturing my aorta. He said he was not going to make another attempt and sent me back to my doctors for further consultation.
Could be THIS:
The only next step was to use an invasive procedure to get a biopsy. The doctors recommended a needle biopsy. This process was repeated several times until the radiologist seemed to become flushed in the face and quickly removed the needle. He told me the last CT scan indicated he had come within millimeters of puncturing my aorta, without a definite conclusion. He said he was not going to make another attempt and sent me back to my doctors for further consultation.
And don’t telegraph to us why you are telling us these things (why I suggested losing the 1st paragraph, for example). So this:
Now it was time for us to give thought to what we might want to do in the next chapter of our lives. Our oldest child had graduated college and was working in New York City. Our second child was just finishing college. We were “empty nesters”.
Could just as easily be this:
Now, with our oldest child graduated and working in New York City and our other child finishing college, we were “empty nesters”.
Then that story tells us you are giving thought to what you might want to do next. SHOW us, don’t tell us. It’s subtle, but it will really help your story move pacing-wise.
Also, this is charming: “We can live while we’re dying or die while we’re living” – but confusing, especially at the end. It might come across as a downer a little bit (though I get it was spoken as an uplifting thing). My suggestion is to alter it a little: ““We can live before we die or die before we’ve lived” which has the same idea to it, but can be more easily be taken out of context for your CTA (So if YOU really want to live before you die… ) etc. This is just my suggestion, of course.
Great job!!
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