Hero Story Draft – Please Review and Advise

[Dale Swanson]

Attached is a first complete draft of my Hero Story. I’ve cut it by at least one-third already (seriously), eliminating much (if not all) of the very dark stuff.

Could you please take a look, and advise? Thank you!

Dale

 

Attachments:

You must be logged in to access attached files.

[Halle Eavelyn]

GREAT JOB, @dale-swanson!! Super proud of you!!!

Start here:

It is my plan for you to extract at least ONE THING that will help YOU achieve the life YOU want.

You do NOT need the first part – and it fits in better later when you write it in – otherwise, you’d be repeating yourself.

Streamline your anecdotes – a lot of stuff about family in the middle that is NOT tied strictly to one of your lessons.  It’s the lessons that keep me reading – and you’re right – your allusions to the “dark” stuff is enough – it sparks our fearful imaginations of what might have happened to you, which is likely almost as horrid as what DID happen.  So you don’t need it.  But the middle is LOOOOONNNNGGGG so think about what can come out.

For example, THIS:
My appointment with the brokerage was on August 1, 2005 – our 7^th wedding anniversary. My testing date was on October 20, 2005; my California real estate license became active on December 22, 2005 (although I didn’t find out until December 27).

These dates are particularly significant because of being in Palm Springs.

The big roller-coaster rise in local real estate prices had reached its peak.

The market was sitting idle, after two consecutive months, by November 2005.

Over the next 18 months, it stalled – before taking the big crashing plunge, in the summer of 2007.

– a full 15 months before real estate crashed, nationally, in September 2008.

So my whole 18-month probationary real estate license period was a baptism-by-fire.

Notices of Default. Motivated Sellers. Distress Sales. Trustee Sales. Asset Managers, Cash-for-Keys, Foreclosures – you name it.

Can become THIS:
Unfortunately, just as I was getting on the ride, the big roller-coaster rise in local real estate prices had reached its peak.

A full 15 months before real estate crashed nationally.

So my whole 18-month probationary real estate license period was baptism-by-fire.

Notices of Default. Motivated Sellers. Distress Sales. Trustee Sales. Asset Managers, Cash-for-Keys, Foreclosures – you name it.

 

It’s a lot tighter but you still get the impact and you get your point across.

Then cut the next 3 sentences:

I got linked to a much-older Agent – who had been in the business for 30 years – and who had long made bank-owned foreclosures her niche

At a time when the vast majority of the Agents operating in the local real estate market didn’t want to know, or be bothered with, foreclosures

and were still inclined to turn their noses up at these forelorn, abandoned houses.

And get to your point:

But I learned all of it, and I did it all of it: I did it diligently, I did it responsibly, and I did it well.

 

AND>>> look at Kent and Anthony’s Hero Stories.  Review ones from this section – the story is to suck people in to KNOW you and therefore want to work with you, and the last few pages you switch to a long sales pitch.  I think you’ll see from the other stories a better way to approach this part, that’s more oblique and subtle.

Make these types of changes THROUGHOUT and then repost and TAG ME!!! You can cut about 30% from your Hero Story without cutting any of the impact.  AWESOME ACTION-TAKING!! SUPER PROUD OF YOU!!!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Halle Eavelyn.

[Author]

Posts