Hero Story

[Mac N’Daw]

Hello,

Back in business.

Will greatly appreciate any feedback on my hero story.

Thanks

Mac

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[n d]

Thank you, @mac-ndaw! Tagging in @halle-eavelyn to provide feedback!

 

 

[Laura Barker]

@mac-ndaw  Hello! I love your Hero Story! You are truly inspirational! I’m not a consultant but your story makes me wish I was! I did notice one grammatical error on the last page.

This sentence:

Therefore, the system that I have created comes from my 27-year experience providing either funding or requesting funding.

Should read:

Therefore, the system that I have created comes from my 27-year experience either providing funding or requesting funding.

Laura

[Mac N’Daw]

Hello Laura,

 

How nice of you to have commented on my hero story and to have alerted me to the grammatical error.

Greatly appreciated.

Warmest regards,

Mac

[Laura Barker]

@mac-ndaw – My pleasure! I have been in the program for a while now and have found it beneficial to seek inspiration from others in the program.  We are so fortunate to be connected not just to the coaches but to others in the program.   I love it when I have time to read about what others are doing.

Hope to see you at the Summit in October!

Laura

[Mac N’Daw]

@laura-barker

Hello Laura,

Greetings from South Bend, IN.

Looking forward to meeting you in Cincinnati.

Enjoy the rest of Sunday!

Mac

[Laura Barker]

@mac-ndaw

Great! Look forward to seeing you in October! I’m coming from Tennessee.

Have a great day!

Laura

[n d]

@halle-eavelyn, tagging you in this!!

 

 

[Halle Eavelyn]

Hi, @mac-ndaw, GREAT JOB taking action and GREAT START on your Hero Story!!!

 

Here’s my detailed feedback:

 

1. Your current title: HOW THE “THINK LOCALLY, BUT ACT GLOBALLY” CONCEPT MADE ME SKIP THE “COMMODITY CONSULTANT” TRAP AND BECOME A “CASH CONSULTANT” AND HOW YOU CAN USE THE SAME SYSTEM TO “CONSULT ONCE AND GET PAID TWICE”.

   You want to rewrite the title more simply.  Something like:HOW I BECAME A “CASH CONSULTANT” AND MY EXACT SYSTEM TO “CONSULT ONCE AND GET PAID TWICE.”

   Let them think how much they want to have that system for themselves.  Don’t try to sell them – it’s intriguing!!!

2. I feel like you want fewer factor about your whole family history (your ancestors) and more about incidents like “the student protests” Like WHAT they were, WHY you got involved, HOW you FELT that you were jailed, etc.  We, for example, have no idea that there were student protests in Senegal.
3. I can tell in places that English is not your first language.  While I don’t want to take away your unique voice, which may leave in some charming ways of speaking, you DO want to edit to change things like tense:
   ORIGINAL:
   Besides, having himself lived in France as a soldier in the French army during WWII, he was aware of the numerous challenges I will be facing.

   I had to make a decision: not attending classes, which will have resulted in my expulsion or leave the country on my own.

   REVISED:
   Besides, having lived in France as a soldier in the French army during WWII, he was aware of the numerous challenges I would be facing.

   I had to make a decision: not attend classes, which would have resulted in my expulsion, or leave the country on my own.

   Also, in the SECOND sentence above, I can’t tell whether NOT attending classes would result in your expulsion, or ATTENDING them would have??? You don’t explain that.  It’s a little thing, but again, an edit would clean that up.  Please consider hiring a NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER on Fiverr.com and having them take a pass on your Hero Story for this kind of low level clarity.

4. The part about Joe G. confused me – I can’t tell if he’s your first job? Or if you are skipping forward? You jump to talking about your client and then you start talking about African Art peddling (which is a GREAT story, BTW!!) so talk about the story, THEN introduce us to Joe and how you helped him.
5. This is the kind of detail we don’t need:I told her that I have spent my last pesetas (the Spanish currency before the advent of the Euro).

   It’s enough to say, “I spent my last dollar” or “I was broke”

6. He gave gave me a ride (laying down on the back seat)  – WHY? Were you too sick? Were you sleeping? Tell us – it’s interesting and otherwise, we don’t understand.
7. I wouldn’t bother numbering the lessons.  Just bold them like you have.  It will flow better.
8. Another really important language shift: Instead of: I co-founded in Paris with a childhood friend of mine a sports magazine.

   In Paris, I cofounded a sports magazine with a childhood friend.
   You will want this kind of clarity change throughout.

9. I TOTALLY agree with this sentence, EXCEPT WHERE I TOTALLY DISAGREE!
   <u>6^th LESSON</u>: In business, never follow a passion if it does not generate consistent and substantial revenues.

   How about:
   In business, never follow a passion if it is not capable of generating consistent and substantial revenues.

   Many people would NEVER get into any business that way – because THEY were not generating that revenue YET – but the business COULD if they succeeded.  Make sense?

10. Ivy School – Ivy League School (CONGRATS, BTW – WOW!!) Now, this points out a pretty big MISSING ELEMENT in your Hero Story – one that I think, once you layer it in, will be AMAZING!!!  HOW DO YOU FEEL??? So in this anecdote: WHY didn’t you go to the school you were accepted into?? What or who made you decide to go for the US University system? Were you excited? Scared? What made you think you could do it? What caused you to OVERCOME FEAR to make the choice to GO FOR IT??? Go back and look for places THROUGHOUT your story where you can make the choice to SHOW US instead of TELLING US about the thing that changed you!
11. This is really unclear as written:Sensitivity analyses of financial spreadsheets, which days to do were now being done in a matter of seconds.

    I THINK you mean:
    Sensitive analyses of financial spreadsheets, which used to take days to do, could now be done in a matter of seconds.

12. Don’t tell me about your family in a single paragraph in the middle of your story.  You can tell me at the end if you want to include them OR weave it in.
13. You tell me in your title that I will learn how to replicate your system, which you then BARELY mention! I am EXCITED to learn more.  Try a paragraph about the system and at least ONE sentence that advises people how to get started if they want to replicate it.

[Mac N’Daw]

@halle-eavelyn

WOW Halle, Thanks for “dissecting” my hero story. I will heed your advice by incorporating your suggestions.

Frankly, I was not expected a review because the HECP says so. In addition, I submitted the hero story in August and just published it 2 days ago in LI.

So, I am thrilled that you took time out of your busy schedule to give me a detailed feedback. This is greatly APPRECIATED.

Warmest regards,

Mac

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